This deployment is NOT my first rodeo. It is different in that my hubby and I are actually married this time – we were engaged the last deployment. Although each deployment is different for different reasons, certain things remain the same: the worry, the fear, the anxiety, the lack of sleep, etc. I just know that right now, I’m to the point of that mid-deployment exhaustion.
We’re several months into deployment. Before they actually left, our guys went through 4-6 months of training before hand. As a Reserve family, this is a pretty big upset in our daily routine. All the in and out, every time we had to say goodbye, etc. – well, it started to take it’s toll and I was just ready for deployment to actually get here, so that we could get a move on with this thing. Right now, I am 100% exhausted and I feel defeated. It feels like this deployment is kicking my butt. I am tired of crawling into bed and he’s not there. I am tired of not sleeping well or through the night. I am tired of anxiety attacks as I lay in bed at night. I am tired – exhausted.
I am to the point where I’m wondering if my husband will ever take up his side of the bed again. I feel like I am in this limbo – where the rest of my life I’ll be communicating with my husband via email and Skype and I’ll never get to hold him or touch him again. I’m to the point where I just want to hug him and kiss him – if even for just a few minutes. While I am truly thankful for Skype and modern technology, it doesn’t take the place of actually having my husband here.
I just finished my 3rd trip to Washington D.C. in 3 years for the Army Ten Miler and AUSA. This is the first I’ve made that trip without my husband. I truly HATE that he wasn’t with me. Although my mom and brother joined me for the race, it wasn’t the same. Things like this make it seem harder than normal. I didn’t get to share my ‘victory’ with him – I had to wait to email him about it later. It’s just not the same as him being here – especially when I had my best ATM ever (I met my 2 goals – running the entire 10 miles – no walking – in under 2 hours: 1:57:59)! It just sucks.
I feel like my husband and I are arguing and fighting more than when he’s home. We struggle with communication when he’s gone. I don’t think to email him every time I do something that is just a normal part of the day – part of my routine. My brain is so full of a million other things. I just hate arguing over email/IM. I have a tendency to be more harsh over email than I would in person. It’s just too easy to hide behind a computer screen.
I’m just so tired. I’m tired of the tears and crying every night. I’m ready for this to be over. I’m ready for him to take up his side of the bed. I’m ready for a good night’s sleep. I’m just ready for him to be home. I miss him.