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Over the last few months, I have been toying with the idea of running a race. I have always wanted to call myself a “runner.” But, for the longest time, I just could not get into running and never really felt like I could actually finish a race. After having my husband deployed for the…
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Tag Archives: Strong Even if you don’t have children of your own, chances are you know at least one or two. So I’m confident you’ll all know what I mean when I say that those sneaky little things have a way of changing right in front of your eyes without you even realizing it. In my 13+ years… Jenn, you are so right: the GOOD AND BAD pass us by so quickly. That’s good that the bad passes, but we need to savor the good (as you suggested) because it passes too! Whew- great life lesson. Thanks for the reminder.  Is anyone else excited about the Olympics? Oh my goodness, I feel like a young girl again. The hype and build up of the games is not at all wasted on me. I know I am going to be hooked to the television and computer getting updates on how Team USA is doing. I am… I have to admit that just before I wrote this, I saw a friend of mine use this as her status update on Facebook. We are waiting for our husbands to come home from being away at training for a month. We just finished 2+ weeks of NO communication with our husbands. Just a few… Do you ever get the feeling that people are just out of empathy? The first deployment my family and my husband’s family called me almost every day. Now, I’d be lucky to hear from them once a month unless I call. I do call my mama every day but honestly – it never seems as… AMEN SISTER! AMEN! I am so with you on this Tara, it’s not even funny. Tara, Wow… I came across your blog on another parenting blog and it caught my eye. I’m glad I read it, and though I am not a military wife with a deployed husband (mine travels alot and is gone like 3 days a week with work, but he comes home…) I can certainly empathize as a parent with “giant red pimple on my cheek, my hair back in clips, drool and slobber down my left shoulder, and my pajamas”!Hang in there, and take a look at this website: http://iquestions.com/browse/marriage/militaryThey have a few videos from a couple that does seminars to support military marriages. Hope it helps and thank you for sharing your story! I feel ya! I think many spouses are numb. I know I got that way at the end of our last deployment. I felt nothing and went on with the motions of my day and did the routine. I also felt like I was holding my breath the entire time. It wasn’t until Ted got back that i felt like I could exhale. I even said to him (more than once)I feel like I can breath again.I don’t think that the MTF knows how to deal with the wives that are left behind. It’s for that reason that I pulled myself and my kids out of the MTF at fort Bragg and now see civilian providers. We have received much better care.Try to feel whatever it is at the moment you are feeling it. If it’s frustration then be frustrated, angry be angry, you get what I mean. So many times we just shove it all down so far inside that it takes awhile to come out and when it does look out. Those are the days we just want to erase from the books and ht replay.ShannonPS I started taking vitamins from GNC, they are a little expensive but I have found that my moods don’t tend to shift as much. If that makes sense. I’m out of empathy. I’ll admit it. I’m halfway through deployment #4 and every time I hear one of the wives in our area boo-hoo’ing and feeling sorry for herself I think “yeah, come crying to me when you’re on #4, Sweetheart”Maybe it’s wrong, but it’s the truth and I have the ovaries to admit and not be ashamed of it. I’ve got just enough left in my tank to get my family through this last deployment before retirement, and not an ounce more. I want to say it is called compassion fatigue — something like that. I’m drawing a blank on it too. I feel that way also. Usually I try to give advice to people on boards when they need it or whatnot, but sometimes the problems are the same thing over and over and I just don’t bother because I’m tired of saying the same thing over and over. And maybe we are harder on each other – but maybe we try to tell each other to buck up because what really is the alternative? You know how if the person you’re leaning on starts crying, you start bawling? It could lead to a total chain reaction. To some extent, too, I’m starting to see sort of a ‘misery competition’. Where it seems like wives use their level of misery to gauge how much they love their husband. You know, if I”m not totally miserable and falling apart maybe I don’t love him. They sometimes hold onto their misery, as a link to the loving feelings they miss feeling back from their soldier. I’m not saying that happens a lot, but I see it more now than I did four years ago. Glad to hear someone else echoing my feelings. I thought it was just because I’m so….well I call it pragmatic, but if I had a dollar for everytime I’ve been called “cold” or my favorite “heartless b____”, we could all have a nice lunch on me.As the years of deployments go on and on, the pity parties do seem to be getting more and more frequent. So many times I want to say “Well he was a Marine when you married him, don’t complain” especially the ladies that have married servicemembers since the Operation Iraqi Freedom has started. It’s one thing for older wives like me who married Marines in peacetime, but if got married since 2003; well you knew what you were gettting into.It’s hard. It stinks. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the end of my emotional limit…but I try really hard not to put my troubles on anyone else; ESPECIALLY other military wives. They have their own issues, they don’t need mine. No, I think we’re all getting to that point, and I do think the pity parties have gotten worse. And usually helping someone else through a rough spot helps me get through my own. But lately, I just see the same things over and over. I’m glad too that I’m not alone! Now we know how the crusty old wives get that way…. Wendy and KS,That is precisely what I think the problem is though – now that you posted what you posted above I would feel as if I couldn’t tell you that I was upset about my husband being deployed and being alone and with the new baby and Wrena and all the things going on and feeling overwhelmed and just plain TIRED of this. I would feel as if telling you that would 1- make you say to me I knew what I was getting into ten years ago when I married him. I can tell you that even though I wouldn’t trade this life with him for the world that doesn’t take away the pain. Maybe I did have some idea of what “could be” what I was getting into but even if I did know that doesn’t make my feelings or situation RIGHT NOW change. Does it? Should it? Don’t I have some validation to my feelings even if I do love this life and love my husband? Can’t I feel as if the “system” should support me and hear my concerns – even if I am not the only one having them? 2 – who else knows how I am feeling other than people just like me? So if I didn’t share with you – who would I share with? 3 – Don’t I have some right to an expectation of my friends and family (non military or not) to give a crap about me and how I am doing and not just write off that I’m doing fine because I am a “tough cookie” and “done this before”? Is everyone REALLY out of empathy? (and yes compassion fatigue is the word I was looking for! ps. I’m sorry to hear you say “To some extent, too, I’m starting to see sort of a ‘misery competition’.” and “the pity parties do seem to be getting more and more frequent”. I’m not about, nor was this post about, wallowing in pity or frustration. Normally, I am not a complainer but lately I feel like the one time I really wanted and needed to reach out and tell someone HELLO I AM NOT ACTING LIKE THE TARA YOU KNOW that they are on auto pilot or in another world b/c they don’t have time to “hear” what I am telling them much less help. I’m not talking about other military wives really – I’m referring more to close friends, family members, and mainly ….the healthcare system. This whole post stemmed from me laughing at the questions they ask in the dr. appt. and then they already have it answered for you and even if you did answer them back they aren’t really listening or going to do something about what you said was the problem because 100′s of women are feeling lonely, sad, and overwhelmed. Get over it. Anyway – I hope that people would be tough. I consider myself one of the toughest people I know. I’ve done a damn good job of holding my own and not being sad, miseable, pitiful, or depressed. But gosh darnit – I miss my husband and it’s hard to know that if I needed to reach out there would be a big black room full of emptiness and compassion fatigue. (there, I used your word LOL) Shannon – LMAO – I just reread your comment and cracked up. “Those are the days we just want to erase from the books and ht replay.”HA HA HA HA HA I have been having one or seven of those days! You’re right, and I know when I wrote this it was “one of those days” but I do think it’s a frustrating situation. I just keep telling myself it will be better….soon. Tara,Maybe it’s easier to say what I’m really feeling on the inside here in this “anonymous” place. Here IRL I just bite my tongue and listen and do what’s expected of me.I try to tell my young charges what it was like in Desert Shield/Desert Storm. My husband was only gone 4 months then, but during that point I got one phone call and 5 letters. Compared to that, today with email and better phone access; they just don’t understand how hard it COULD be.Being married to the Comm Chief, every time our unit goes dark for more than 24 hours, I’m deluged with calls and emails wanting to know why. And having done this four times (plus Desert Storm back in 1991), they all turn to me and it’s exhausting.On a side note…giving props to you Army gals. Each one of our four deployments have been/will be 8 to 9 months. When my Devil Dog comes home next April, some of you gals will just be over half way there and you guys have my ultimate respect!On another note, it’s sad to hear that you’ve not got what you’ve needed from your medical system. I’ve had nothing but support from our Naval medical system. I had a nasty panic attack about two months in…to the point that it scared me that there was something *physically* wrong with me. My PCP got me in that day and ran an EKG and all sorts of other tests on me to assure me that it wasn’t a physical problem, but an emotional/mental one. He offered me a prescription, and when I expressed my adversion to a pharmacutical solution, he referred me to an herbalist out in town that found me an herbal blend to help me through the stress. I take L-Theanine as a daily supplement and I have some liquid drops that I place under my tongue for immediate relief. I highly recommend both forms. I haven’t taken a prescription drug in over 7 years and my Naval PCP is very supportive of my decision.As far as my civilian friends go (I’m the only military wife in my entire office), I try to tell myself that they *mean* well. I even did a post on my blog once about “Phrases Military Wives Hate To Hear”. If one more civilian woman says “I don’t know how you do it” or my personal favorite “It’ll be over before you know it”, I might punch them. LOL! ps…thought you might like to see “Things A Military Wife Is Tired of Hearing”.It started from an email I received and I expounded upon it from there:http://wendylicious.typepad.com/im_not_antisocial_im_anti/2007/01/things_military.html Wow! I cannot believe we are gauging other wives by the number of deployments or the number of years we’ve been married to the military. Who cares if it’s deployment #4 for you or #10 for me? It still sucks, and if wives don’t vent to someone it’ll all stay bottled up inside and then we’ll have a hospital whose behavioral health clinic is filled to the brim! Give me a break! “I cannot believe we are gauging other wives by the number of deployments”Who was gauging? I don’t believe anyone was “gauging” by the number of years married to the military or number of deployments.What we were doing was having a mature, respectful discussion. But I disagree that it doesn’t make a difference how long you’ve been in the military life or how many times you go through a deployment.More is expected of senior wives. (senior as in # of years in the military lifestyle, not your husband’s rank) Spouses who have done multiple deployments are looked to; are vented to. So not only are you dealing with your own stress, you are counseling and mentoring scores of other women.So while I don’t believe anyone was “gauging” their pain against anyone else’s, the stress of multiple deployments is different. Whether it be your second 16 month deployment or your fourth 8 month one; the months wear you down. Oh – I’m so late jumping into this conversation that I hesitate to say anything – - especially since I haven’t read through everything, but here goes…I think the system (FRGs, military medical, support programs) get sucked dry by “high need” spouses so much so that the systems get drained and the worker bees have a hard time providing to the greater need. I know I felt that way when I ran a FRG. There were spouses that just required so much more, and it wasn’t because their situation was any worse than anyone elses, they were very high drama and wanted their needs to come first. Yes, they needed support, but I think they also wanted more than they truely needed which left me emotionally high and dry to “spread the love.” Of course there are those peaks where we all need the love more than usual, but I also think there are the spouses out there that are vacuuming up more than their fair share.Also, understanding should extend to our peers and caregivers that they are also worn out. And, lastly, we all deal with deployments and stress differently. I tend to be the person who doesn’t like to talk too much about the situation, whereas some people need to talk about it more… It doesn’t mean our needs are greater or less, just that we cope differently…What a good discussion everyone…What is it Dr. Phil says – Own the problem then you can solve it? Problem is, who owns this one? Guess blaming the Army always works, so I’ll just use them as a scapegoat again Janine, that is a very good point and I highly agree. It is that small minority that wear you down more than the large group.Well said. I am joining in. I haven’t been on the Wives of Faith wesitbe in a while so I missed that this has started. How interesting to have this come through on feedblitz this morning after what I posted last night on mine. I have such a burden for our troops and their families to be prayed for and not be forgotten so seeing this today made me so excited! Thanks for all you do!Laura LOVE! My husbandhad been gone on this deployment for two months now, and I need less than one hand to count the number of friends and family who have even bothered to post a, “hey, how are you?” message on Facebook, let alone given me a phone call. I’m 1400 miles away from family, and have very few friends (obviously) here. It’s hard, and it sucks. I feel forgotten. Yes, I think everyone is war weary, and it makes finding a little empathy that much harder. <3 I hope my pic gave you a laugh this morning! :) @Tamara, it sure did. It’s those little things, checking in, sharing a text msg or a call that I know that you know keep you same during s deployment Sigh, sane during a deployment, lol. Swype on the other hand is definitely driving me crazy!! Lol <3 If you ever need someone to talk to, message me. My husband was deployed for a yr right after we got married. I was by myself a lot. I went to the movie theater by myself on Xmas eve. You’re offer means the world to me Jenn, especially considering the pain and grief that probably haunts you daily. It surely makes my complaints in life marginal and hardly important. You and your family are still in my prayers every day. If YOU need to talk, ever, please call or send a message. Thank you again, you have such a beautiful soul. This post is exactly what I went through while my husband deployed last time and what I’m sure I’ll face again soon. This is why I wrote my post last night. |
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